mental health and i

I'm not really sure where this post is going or what the point of it is - so there we go. I just want to write about how I'm feeling, and if people resonate then I feel like I've accomplished something.

I get so stressed and anxious super easily. Like stressed to the point of wanting to cry (and then actually crying). And then I panic lots, which inevitably leads to a panic attack.

I dismissed this for years as me just being a naturally anxious person. I have always been a massive worrier, so surely this overwhelming anxiety (usually about things like uni) is just a part of my personality that I have to put up with? I also put massive amounts of pressure on myself - I'm scared of disappointing people, I'm scared of having a job I don't love.You name it, I've probably had an anxious thought about it at some point.

When I calm down, I know that my family are proud of me no matter what I do and I know that hard work and effort will get me a job I want and love. So why does this make me anxious? I find it hard to switch off at night if I've been worrying that day about something which makes me tired and irritable.

This sort of leads on to why I've took a semi-break from social media. As you know (if you follow me on Twitter) I haven't been tweeting as much. The Twitter app on my phone wasn't running as well as it should, it was crashing and not loading properly, so I deleted the app and decided not to re-download it. I think it's weird how that must have happened for a reason - my mental health was not at its best, I was stressing about university and in a way, the Twitter app not working for me was a way for me to come to terms with the fact that I need to start studying for exams and focus on fixing things within myself instead of wasting my days. As I've mentioned before, I'm not religious, but I do believe everything happens for a reason, and I keep trying to remind myself that but it feels like I've been dealt a really sh*tty hand.

Honestly, I feel like I need to speak to a trained medical professional, but I just can't make myself do that. I always think that there are people out there who are worse off than me, that every university student out there feels the way I do and that when I go to speak to someone, I feel as if they'll tell me I'm being dramatic.

I hope the other three years go better for me, I'm not sure if I'm just finding it hard to settle in, if I'm getting overwhelmed or what is happening. If this continues, I'll have to go and speak to someone who can help me. But for now, I have been meditating and this has been helping me so far.

Ashleigh xxx