a bit of a ramble

I know recently I've been starting off every post with an apology for not blogging (I hate it too, don't worry) but I really hate not writing. Blogging was my favourite thing to do for so long, almost a year and a bit, but now I've made it into a chore for myself. Instead of actually looking forward to write, I don't at all. I've made myself feel so bad for not actually having the motivation/time/ideas to blog, that when I do, I don't want to.

It's taken me so long to admit that I don't blog because of me. But I've realised that's alright. Instead of pressuring myself to write and to constantly have new and exciting ideas to share online, I don't have to. I've realised (with the masses of lifestyle posts I write) that I actually enjoy writing about my life and reflecting on the good, the bad and the ugly (to use a cliche). And half of me feels like I don't owe anyone anything, if I want to write more content about my life that's more chatty and informal, then that's what I'll do and I shouldn't feel like I have to explain anything to anyone. And the other half of me knows that I have people who read every single post I put up, who I do feel like I owe an explanation to - because I really can't disappear for a while, still post on Twitter and Instagram but make no effort with my blog and not address it.

So, as you can see, I've hit a bit of a wall with blogging (as much as I'd like to pretend I haven't and that everything's A-OK!!!, it's really not 100% okay). Blogging is something I love to do, I love sharing what I think and what I feel with people (especially as sometimes I don't have the confidence to in real life), but I genuinely can't. I can't force myself to sit down and type a blog post that my heart isn't completely in - as much as I'd like otherwise to.

I used uni as an excuse as to why I was finding it hard to blog - and while that is for the most part true - things are quiet as of right now, and that makes me feel like I should be blogging, or I should be doing x, y and z. And I feel like because things are quiet, I should be writing hundreds of blog posts to still post when things do get a little busier - but I can't. I don't have the words, and even if I did, would I even want to write?

I still do love to blog, I still do find it incredibly cathartic to write what I'm feeling and it's incredibly rewarding to have people message me telling me they resonated with a post - so I'm not saying that I'm never going to blog again. Just, my content will be more chatty and informal - as it has been for the past few months (I've transitioned to a different style without knowing) - because I enjoy that a lot more. And maybe - hopefully - that'll be what it takes to get my motivation back.

Ashleigh xxx