being more consistent

I have missed blogging so much and I hate that I haven't made as much time for it as I should have. The first lockdown from March to June (July maybe? I can't really remember) was not a good time for my old mental state. I swear I cried more in those 5 months than I have in my whole life! (With me being the most typical Cancerenian, that may be a bit dramatic). 

Throughout those first few months, I really struggled to do anything. I had just finished uni forever (one random Tuesday we were just told via email that we would never come back), I had to accept that I would probably never graduate (unless I came back for a masters which isn't likely right now), I was on furlough and was only able to go outside for one walk a day (thanks Boris!). All in all, I really didn't cope well. Things started looking better in May (I could see my friends again!), but still had to accept that I wasn't working and had no plan for my life. At the time, I was 21, and I know most 21 year olds have no plan for their life, but I really felt like I needed something concrete when life was so tumultuous and unexpected. I decided at that point I wanted to become a teacher, and set about trying to get some experience working with kids. I applied for SO MANY JOBS so that at least I was working, while I was working towards a career I wanted (spoiler: I didn't get in) - which was a bit of a disappointment but if I've learned anything from the past year, it's that life isn't easy. 

Lockdown 2 (in November) was horrible - I burnt my hand in my work and now have a massive scar and permanent nerve damage which really made me realise that a) I need a new job and b) I need a plan for my life. That wasn't fun, and I just had an all round feeling of wanting things to be better. I know that's what everyone wants, just some sort of normality but I just feel like the past year of my life has been so up in the air, I've graduated into a global pandemic, I'm lucky enough to have a job - but it's one that I sustained an injury that's made me self conscious and embarrassed whenever people point it out, and one that I have a definite like/hate relationship with, and I feel like as a consequence I'm a year behind where I'd like to be. Ideally I thought I'd be working either in Glasgow or Edinburgh in a marketing department, going out for drinks with my new work friends and having my weekends off. Instead I don't have any of that, and it really made me feel like I'd failed for the longest time (and still does when I really think about it). My grandad was really ill and it was really touch and go for a few weeks which was agonising and I felt like I lived on my nerves for a few months. 

This lockdown, I feel a bit more optimistic (I am v cautious though). I still have the same sort of apathy towards my job, I see it more as a means to an end rather than anything else. I'm planning to move to another city in August (hopefully this all works out!), so I'll need to get a better paying job, hopefully in marketing (manifesting ✨) and I really want to just enjoy life a bit more as this past year has been rough for me (and everyone reading this) - I've had really good days and really bad days, and I'm hoping that this is finally getting to the end and better days are coming in the imminent future. I'm really not 100% content with things - which is annoying as I know it looks on the outside like I have things going well for me, I have a job when I know so many people have been made redundant/are really struggling to find a job, and I'm comfortable, but all I want is to have a proper graduation, a nice flat and a grad job. I've played the game right, I've done those "steps" that you're told will end up leading to a good job, and I just haven't gotten there. I know that one day I'll end up there, but I just want it now. I always knew graduated life would be a bit of a shock to the system,  I'm suddenly not in full-time education and am working 5 days of the week, but I didn't expect it would be amidst a global pandemic. 

Anyway, that's enough of me complaining. I know that this probably sounds really privileged and that's not how I want to come across at all, but it's been almost a year since I last posted and I really miss getting my laptop out to write a blog post and hoping it resonates with someone out there. I don't fully know what my niche is, I feel like a massive reason that I stopped blogging is that I don't really know what to write about, or what people care about reading anymore. I rarely see blog posts on Twitter or Instagram anymore so I'm not even sure if this is something that people still do anymore, but it's something that I enjoy and miss doing, so if no one reads it then at least I'm enjoying myself. I hope whoever reading this has a good day!